Heyo all! Due to the popularity of my Linux as Women article, I've made a companion article to it. Please note, if you are a M$ lawyer, that these are intended as parody, not as slander. Microsoft Windows(tm) is a wonderful*COUGH*, easy to use*COUGH*, stable*COUGH,COUGH,COUGH* operating system with millions of devoted fans. Please feel free to stop reading now, and go get on with whatever lawyer-y things you need to be doing.

... Are the lawyers gone? Good. On with the WinBlows(tm) bashing!

Windows 3.1:
Windows 3.1 is the scrawny kid brother. He doesn't do anything as well as his older brothers, but you can certainly see the family resemblence. He doesn't have many friends, as he's terribly scared of the school, playground, living room, and anywhere else that there might be people besides himself.

Windows 3.11
Windows 3.11 looks a lot like 3.1, but has many, many more friends. He doesn't play nicely with them, however, seeming to pick and choose who to play with at complete random.

Windows 95:
Windows 95 is an eigth grader. He is utterly assured that he is king of his two-year school, and acts like it. He's tried to slick back his hair for the ladies, but due to his horrific fashion sense, tends to wear various tacky, brightly coloured hawaiian shirts with red polyethser slacks. He's a lot more friendly than his kid brothers, and gets along with strangers well enough, but he hasn't yet got the social graces to make any close friends. Two to three times a day he'll freeze in place, his face will turn blue, and he'll fall into a dead faint. It generally takes about five minutes to wake him back up again, and for some reason, everyone considers this perfectly normal. He catches a cold every now and then, but it's usually not anything major.

Windows 98:
Windows 98 is your average high schooler. His fashion sense still isn't that great, and he's a bit chubbier than 95, but he looks alright on any given day. He faints a lot less than his kid brother, 95, but still passes out about once a day. He's pretty popular with his friends, and treats them all pretty nicely. He catches quite a few colds, and they tend to take him down for a few days.

Windows 98 SE:
Windows 98 is an overachiever. He believes he's better than Windows 98 in every possible way, and tries to prove it at every turn. He only passes out once every other day, and has just as many friends as Windows 98.

Windows NT:
Windows NT is a little older than 95, and is trying to save up for his first car. To do this, he's opened his very own business (A lemonade stand) and sells a decent product (Pretty good lemonade) as very reasonable prices (Two hundred dollars US per glass). He's got lots of friends, whom he calls "business associates", and treats them all very cordially. He's excellent at what he does, and you can tell he's going to go far, provided anyone ever buys him the product he sells.

Windows 2000 Professional:
Windows 2000 Professional is NT's older brother. He's made it in business, and now operates a highly successful chain of lemonade stands in which he sells only the best lemonade for an extremely cost-efficent price. (One thousand dollars US per glass, or ten thousand US per pack of twenty glasses) He's very popular, getting along well with anyone that will give him money, and even a few that won't. He's got a bit of a paunch, but most people just accept that since he's so good at what he does.

Windows ME:
Windows ME is the black sheep of the family. He tends to be neurotic, only holding certain objects at the same time. He has complex, nonsensical rules he follows about everything, making him nearly impossible to deal with. His "friends" tend to shy away from him, and he tends to pass out quite a bit. For all that, he's quite nice looking, although he does have a bit of a paunch.

Windows XP:
Windows XP is a normal, productive adult, if a bit heavyset. He's got a good job, which he does decently well. Unlike his younger brothers, he doesn't pass out. Instead, random bits of him stop working. One moment he'll be jabbering along about his latest features, the next, the left half of his face has stopped working and he's spraying little flecks of saliva at your best workshirt. For all that, though, he's quite popular; Most major business have several people just like him working for them. He weighs at least three hundred pounds, but he spends quite a bit of time on grooming, so he's one of the best looking fat man on the block. He catches so many colds that he buys every cold prevention product on the market. Several companies make a decent living just selling him cold Prevention suites.

Windows Vista:
Vista is a seven hundred pound man. He's obsessive about grooming, carrying a comb, hair gel, hair mousse, hair spray, hair cream, a pair of scissors, a blow dryer, and a hair-washing sink around with him wherever he goes. He IS the best looking seven hundred pound man on the block. He's insanely paranoid, grabbing anyone that talks to him around their throat and screaming, "DID YOU REALLY MEAN TO SAY THAT?! CANCEL OR ALLOW?!" after every sentence. In spite of this, he makes friends rather well. Perhaps it's his rugged good looks.

Hope you liked it!

-Jeff