I've used quite a few linux distros in my time. Recently it occurred to me what they would look like if they were beautiful, attractive women. I think perhaps I've spent too much time on the computer, eh? Anyway, I've made a list. Tell me what you think!

If Linux Distros were women:

Redhat:
Redhat would be a gorgous, expensive hooker. She'd do whatever you wanted, and do it well. You'll be left satisfied, but you'll have no idea how she did it. If you needed help with her, there are many paid phone numbers you can call to chat about her.

Fedora Core:
Fedora Core would be just as good as Redhat, but wouldn't cost you a dime.

CentOS:
CentOS would look just like Fedora Core, except... Except it would look just like Fedora Core.

Suse:
Suse would be a moderately attractive hooker. She wouldn't be quite as good as Redhat, but there are still lots of fun paid phone numbers for you to call.

OpenSuse:
OpenSuse would be every bit as good as Suse, but wouldn't cost you a penny.

Debian Sarge:
Debian Sarge would be a 50 year old lady. She'd cook, clean, and iron better than any other the other linux distros, would have no moodswings whatsoever, and would have a life expectancy of 157 years. There'd be plenty of people willing to help you maintain her, and they'd all be fairly knowledgable.

Debian Etch:
Debian Etch would be exactly like Debian Sarge, except that she'd be the spritely young age of 40.

Ubuntu:
Ubuntu would be a cute maid in a frilly outfit. She'd do everything you could want for you, but if you tried to do something yourself, she'd
immediately explode into hundreds of fluffy kittens. She'd really, REALLY like animals, and would occasionally change her name to things like "Giggly Gopher", and insist that you call her that. There'd be loads of people willing to help you make her run, but all of them know less about her than you do.

Xubuntu:
Xubuntu would look and act a whole lot like Ubuntu, except that she's not /quite/ as good at cooking. She is, however, quite a bit skinnier, and tends to blow away in a strong breeze.

Gentoo:
Gentoo would be a completely lifeless doll to start out with. You'll be expected to dress her, and assemble her brain. She'd take forever to get turned on, but once she got going, she'd do whatever you wanted twice as fast as any of the other distros. Pressing different combinations of body parts (Twist left arm, pat nose, tug ear) would result in sudden, drastic changes to her appearance, (Left leg increases in size by 50%) but if you got the order wrong, she would turn inside out. There'd be a lot of people that would help you make her work, and they all would all be smarter than you.

Sabayon linux:
Sabayon linux is Gentoo linux after some people gone done spit-polishing her. She'd look fantastic, putting other girls to shame. She'd work nearly as hard as Gentoo, and turns inside out less. Unfortunately, no one uses her because they cannot spell her name. (Sabaion? Sebayon? Sarberion!)

Archlinux:
Archlinux is a very attractive lady. She learns new tasks quickly, does them well, and is cheerful about it. However, if you need help with her, you're completely out of luck.

Knoppix:
Knoppix would be able to work in any kitchen, anywhere. She wouldn't be much good for anything else, but people swear she's great for testing our a kitchen before putting another girl into it.

Linspire:
Linspire is NOT another company's girl. She has NO relation to that company's girl, even though Linspire used to be known as Lindows. That's in the past now. Now, Linspire is a cheap hooker that really doesn't do anything well.

DSL(Damn Small Linux):
DSL would be the prettiest midget woman you've ever seen. She'd do most of what you asked of her, but doesn't learn new things too well. There are approximately sixteen people on the planet that can help you with her, but most of them seem to be on a coffee break.

DSL-N(Damn Small Linux-Not):
DSL-N would look exactly like DSL, except that she would be slightly worse at cooking, and be twice as fat. There are about three people in the known universe that can help you out with her, but they're all on a permanent coffee break.

LFS(Linux From Scratch:
LFS would be a plain, white room with various body parts strewn about on the floor. There'd be pages from an instruction manual taped up to a wall, alongside a note that said, "Have fun!". There are a few people that are willing to help you put her together. When they speak it SOUNDS like they're speaking in english, but no one ever understands what they're saying.

FreeBSD:
FreeBSD looks like linux, sounds like linux, feels like linux, and even smells like linux, but would continually insist that she is not linux. This appears to be the prime difference between her and linux. There are quite a few people able and willing to help you with her, provided you agree with them that FreeBSD is not Linux.

NetBSD:
NetBSD looks like FreeBSD, sounds like FreeBSD, feels like FreeBSD, and even smells like FreeBSD, but continually insists that she is not FreeBSD. This appears to be the prime difference between her and FreeBSD. There are quite a few people able and willing to help you with her, provided you agree with them that NetBSD is not FreeBSD.

OpenBSD:
OpenBSD looks like NetBSD, sounds like NetBSD, feels like NetBSD, and even smells like NetBSD, but continually insists that she is not NetBSD. This appears to be the prime difference between her and NetBSD. There are quite a few people able and willing to help you with her, provided you agree with them that NetBSD is not NetBSD.

OSX:
OSX looks like FreeBSD after a facelift. She's a bit more high-maintennence than FreeBSD, and has a bit of a diva complex. She runs a lot of software that other girls won't touch. There are quite a few people willing to help you use her, but if you say the words "Linux" or "FreeBSD" around them, they'll explode into thousands of ipod nanos.

That's it for now! Hope you enjoyed it.

And in case you were wondering what Windows would look like as a women.... Well, just imagine a nude sunbather. A nude sunbather whose face and brain has just been nibbled off by a Llama. Ouch.

If you liked this article, you might also enjoy What if Windows Versions were Men?

Treehead has composed his own take on this idea over at his blog. Go take a look!

-Jeff