Playing your first Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game (Henceforth shortened to MMORPG to prevent the implosion of my brain) can be a confusing experience. I'll teach you the basics you'll need to get started. With careful study, you'll go from a N00b to a Newbie, and beyond!

First off, choose an MMORPG to start with, and purchase it. There are quite a few to choose from; There are MMORPGs where you can be a great warrior, beating up enemies for money and experience, or MMORPGS where you can be a powerful wizard, beating up enemies for money and experience, or where you can be a Superhero (or superVILLIAN!) and beat enemies up for money and experience, and there are even some where you can be a character in a famous movie or popular game series and beat enemies up for money and experience. As you can clearly see, the choices are limitless. Choose something that fits your particular funktastic style.

Once you've got the game, head on over to your local bank and apply for a credit card. Seeing as the monthly fee for your average MMORPG ranges from $20 to $40, and you may end up wanting to purchase expansions for your game, you'll be needing something with a decent limit. Twenty to Thirty thousand should be sufficient for just starting out.

On your way home, make sure to stop by the supermarket. Pick up several* of their cases of Mountain Dew, as well as foodstuffs. Peanut butter is pretty cheap.

Next, clear your schedule for the next several years. This includes things like jobs, dates, barmitsvahs, bachelor parties, weddings (your own and/or others'), dates with Johnny Depp, and any other pressing concerns. If you're going to reach level 60, you're going to have to make a few sacrifices. Please be advised that, without a job, your income may shrink slightly. (Now that credit card makes a lot more sense, doesn't it?) Make sure to mail apology notes to everyone you know. Eventually, you'll need to write them anyway, so you may as well get it out of the way before you get involved in a 30 man raid of Fazugeldwarf the perpetually stinky.

After you've finished sending your apology letters, pop the game disk in and start the installation process. Depending on the game, this can take between thirty minutes and the rest of your life. Take the extra time to go over this quick pre-game checklist:

1. Have I told my family and friends where I'll be?
2. Have I fed my (Dog/Cat/Hamster/Johnny Depp) ?
3. Are all my bills paid?
4. Have I made my Will?
   • Have I named who will get my computer?
   • Have I named who will get my Game Character?
5. Have I made sure that the path from my chair to the bathroom is:
   • clear?
   • as short as possible?
6. Do I have enough Mountain Dew?

If you've answered yes to all these questions, you're ready to begin the moment the installation finishes.

Click the Game icon, and decend into a world of (Fighting and Fun/Dragons and Sorcery/Heros and Villians/Blah Blah Blah ).

Click through the introduction screens with all their Amazing Graphics (tm) till you get to a point that asks you to register. Next comes one of the most harrowing and dangerous part of your journey: Choosing Your Character's Name. Your creativity and ingenuity will be taxed to the limit as you vainly attempt to come up with some name that hasn't already been taken. Due to the massive number of players, anything even remotely resembling your own name, the name of your favorite movie/video game characters, your pet's name, your parent's name, Johnny Depp's name, or the name of your favorite Lovecraftian Deity is, of course, taken. Don't be tempted, as many have, to succumb to the dark taint of using numbers in your name. Anyone named "Th3Ch0s3n1" is doomed to spend the rest of their life as an utter noob. Should you become horribly stuck, the name "Oforf" has a nice ring to it.

Once you've found a suitable name, continue on with race and class selection. Your choices here don't actually matter, because by the time you figure out the pros and cons of a particular race or class, you'll already be level 15, and in too deep to start over.

Next comes gender selection. This is a bone of contention among many players. Many players feel that is it, in effect, lying to play a gender other than your own. Others like to experiment, get a feel for what it's like being the opposite sex. Make your own decision on what is right for you. However, remember that whichever gender you pick, you'll likely be staring at your character's butt for upwards of 80 hours a week. Choose accordingly.

Now that you've created your character, the Real Fun (tm) begins. You'll likely start in a town of some sort, so you'll be safe to start with. You'll probably see lots of people milling about, and doubtless some of them will be shouting things like, "NEED 20 $$ FOR NEW HEL. OF INCENsibILITY!!!! PLz GIV!!!1". These people are noobs. You can safely ignore them.

You'll be needing some funds to start out with. Try asking around. Lots of the higher level players really enjoy giving gold out, particularly when you're persistent about it.

Once you've got some form of weapon equipped, head out into the wilderness. You'll immediately get killed by something like a "Small Rabid Honeybee -2". Depending on the game, the screen will blank out, you'll explode in a bright white fireball, or the like. You should reappear at the same place where you started. Use this opportunity to ask for more gold. Ignore the noobs asking you for gold.

Now that you're a little older and wiser, set out for the newbie dungeon. This is, in most MMORPGs, about five feet from the starting point, and is the place with all the rats.

Kill a few rats.

Kill some more rats.

Kill a lot more rats.

Kill enough rats that you think there cannot possibly be another rat in existence.

Watch the rats magically come back into existence out of thin air.

Kill more rats.

Eventually you should see some indication that you have "gained a level". This usually occurs after 20 or 30 thousand rats. This is a normal event, and enables you to kill rats more quickly. Go back to killing rats.

After killing several** rats, you should eventually become to Level 5. This is an excellent time to go back to the surface and upgrade your weapons and armor. You'll likely have started out with some silly weapon like a "rusted, dirty, bent dagger", a "dirty, pale green shirt", and "old, torn pants". Immediately proceed to the shop with the money you gained from killing rats. This should be about 4 gold. You may want to ask for more money at the city center. Remember, those high level players love to give out gold!

With your fabulous riches, you'll likely be able to upgrade your dagger to a "rusted, dirty, bent shortsword". This is a Big Deal (tm) and will enable you to kill rats more quickly. You should also upgrade your shirt and pants, to prevent the rats from killing you so quickly.

At this juncture, you may also want to take part in a quest or two. MMORPG quests can encompass many diverse tasks such as "Bring me 50 rat tails", or "Take 60 bat wings to to town Y", or even "Bring 247 newt eyes to Glenda in town Z.". As you can see, the options are nearly infinite. I'll leave which quests to go on up to you.

Go back into the dungeon and begin killing more rats.

Once you've mastered this pattern of "Kill things, upgrade, kill more things", you've pretty well mastered the art of the MMORPG. All that's left now is to get to that magical level 60. For the average gamer, playing 80-100 hours per week and keeping bathroom breaks to a minimum, you should reach that lofty plateau in approximately 2-3 years.

Good luck, gamer. You'll need it!

-Jeff

*By "several" I mean "all that you can get your hands on"
** See above