My name is Jeff, and I'm a faller. And I'm not talking about your average, everyday, social falling; I'm hardcore. From the time I learned to walk I've been dropping, stubbing, stumbling, spilling, slipping, tripping, tumbling, trundling, faceplanting, taking long walks off short embankments, doing high-speed introductions between my face and the ground, and just plain falling.

Naturally, I've become rather good at it.

For those who've always wanted to fall, but could never quite get the hang of it, this is the article for you. Herein, I reveal all the secrets of plummeting, plunging, diving for the dirt...

Well, you get the idea.

The first trick to falling is to decide if you'd rather fall down from something, (preferably down onto something else) or trip over something. Each has their own merits and pitfalls, however, for the hobby-faller, stumbling over something is a good introductory exercise, and will be the focus of today's article.

Choose an object to stumble over. This object should be reasonably heavy; should you suddenly begin tripping over feathers and well-mown lawns, your friends may never recover from their laughter. The object should also be reasonably small. Picking too large an object may result in failures, such as illustrated in figure 1.1. Reasonable tripping objects could include a rock, a branch, a stump, a book, a bed, a wastebin, bits of a house, your computer, and of course, Johnny Depp.

Figure 1.1:

Remember: Heavy, but small.

Once you've found a heavy, small object, proceed to walk through the object. Roughly halfway through this action, you will probably* notice that you have failed to move entirely through the object. This is normal, please Don't Panic. Suddenly robbed of one, or both, of your feet's normal forward momentum, your body will begin to descend with alarming alacrity towards the ground. Again, this is quite normal, and part of the full tripping experience.

You may notice at this point that your face is aimed at a rather unpleasant section of ground. Depending on your methodology, you may want to employ your hands and arms as a "breaking" mechanism. (i.e. Prevent the breaking of your face.) At this point, gravity should be doing most of your work for you. Sit back, metaphorically speaking, and enjoy the ride.

Once you have hit the ground, you should resemble figure 2.1. Notice the object I chose: Small, yet marginally heavy, and with a good propensity to get underfoot.

Figure 2.1:

Notice the expression on the face of the tripped object. You can tell that she's impressed by the expertise of my tumble.

At the end of your trip, you may feel extremely elated and/or exuberant. Feel free to let this energy out. Be creative! The english language has thousands of words to draw upon, choosing a few of them to describe your fall is half the fun!

Congratulations, my friend, you have just had your first successful fall! Keep practicing at every opportunity, and soon you will approach the falls of the masters. As a great, great man once said, "Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."

By this reckoning, I should be airborne by the end of the year.

Happy falling!

-Jeff

* Due to some fascinating implications of Quantum physics, there is a very small, yet quite real chance that you will succeed in walking through your object. This is because you, and whatever object you're attempting to walk through (Assuming it's not something exotic, such as a black hole or neutron star) are composed overwhelmingly of empty space. Should the empty spaces in your foot align just right with the object's empty space, your foot could easily pass directly through the object. Alternatively, there is also a small chance that several trillion particles will suddenly appear in a tiger-shaped form and consume either the object that your foot is attempting to pass through, or your foot, thus rendering the point (and most likely you) moot. Admittedly, the chance of these events occurring is such that it is unlikely that either event will take place in the lifetime of our universe, so such talk can be safely disregarded.